An Open Letter,
Maybe one day this will find you, I pray that it does. I pray that it finds you well.
You have always mattered. I don't think I always allowed you to feel that way...
but I have learned a few things since that time and now I want to share with you my thoughts on your presence in his life.
When you walked away, when you relinquished your parental rights, when you left me alone to make all of the decisions I was so mad.
I was so broken and so lonely and so embarrassed and ashamed and I was hurting. I was hurting deeper than I have ever hurt....and it wasn't just me, it was my family, those closest to me.
But now, looking back I understand deeply that this happened to you too.
You were so young and discovered that you were going to be a father. You didn't ask for it any more than I did. You wanted to make it go away as much as I did.
You were broken and lonely and ashamed and you were hurting.
Maybe you didn't hurt in a way that I thought you should. Maybe you didn't respond and step up in a way that I believed you should...but I owed you the room to grieve in your own way...
I was verbally cruel and I manipulated and blackmailed you and threatened and tried to do anything I could to "make you" do what I felt was right.
Please know that I did those things because I was so desperate to hang on to you...to hang on to anything that was "normal".
I hated you. But I loved you.
I know now, all these years later, that you were not the bad guy...just the wrong guy...and the person I was most mad at?? Myself.
I wish you could know your son. That door is open to you if you want it.
He is such a magical kid. I see so much of you in him. I think of you every time I get to be near him. We created a life together. We are forever connected. If I love him and honor him and respect him then I have to honor and respect you. You play a role in his story. It will be up to you what that story is...
I will never speak of you poorly, or as just a sperm donor or baby daddy or "he who shall not be named".
You are more than that.. you are more than that to him! AND THAT IS EVERYTHING TO ME. What he feels is all that matters now.
So today, on Father's Day my thoughts are with you. My thoughts are with our son. My thoughts are in a place of healing and forgiveness.
God, can you believe we have a 12 year old son?? What a crazy and vicious cycle.
I pray that he will grow to know you. I pray that he will have an open heart and forgiving spirit, for both of our sake.
Happy Father's Day. Wherever you are. You have always mattered.
You still do.