As an adopted person, I don't feel like I can ever truly come out with how I feel. I can only share half of my truths with you. And I always remain anonymous or utilize a pen name online. Facebook is the worst because I can't share my thoughts and feelings or experiences when the group is open to the public. I feel I cannot get help from you (the ones I need it from the most) to process things. Am I placing this burden on myself? Is this weight I carry all in my head? Perhaps. However, I suppose the only way I'd truly know would be if I were to ask you. I have tested the waters and I don't trust that the outcome would be good. I know you try to understand and I know you care about me, but I sense that you aren't really hearing me or you are too uncomfortable with your own truths because I'm hitting "way too close to home." Sometimes, I sense your own insecurities too. I believe you will most likely misunderstand me--partly, because you already have when i've tried to bring it up ever-so-gently. I can't even tell you that I suffer from post complex trauma where adoption issues have been compounded with other life experiences. For some of you, this news would absolutely astound you because on the surface, I had the most ideal upbringing. You would be in disbelief or think I'm exaggerating. While others may feel devastated and guilty with hearing such a diagnosis. And my symptoms have only gotten worse after having and raising my own children. I worry about them dying and leaving me or someone taking them from me or me dying and then not having me as their mother. I have an extremely hard time trusting people with my children and lose trust in people quickly. It's ridiculous just how much it impacts my daily activities. I have sought professional help because it has taken a toll on my life. Because of my intense fear of people leaving me--especially my children--I wonder how you had it in you to leave me there in the hospital and if you regret it. Sometimes I wish you would have never let me go. I get why you did, but I still wish it anyway. And I'll never in a million years tell you how sometimes I only think about my life as it has been or sometimes I think about my life as how it might have been. Or how sometimes I feel angry and cheated in life with everything I missed out on and then guilty because I still love what i've been given and how ungrateful I must be. I wonder when I come to visit, if you get upset or worry about how much time I'll spend with others. Did you know that I make a conscious effort to spend the most time with you just in case you do worry? I put that on myself. I wonder about and feel so many conflicting things and sometimes all at once. I wish that you would just know this stuff. I wish you could know it without me having to tell you. I wish that you would bring it up and say, "Hey, we're here for you. Let's talk about...." And, bring it up yourself. But I don't imagine that ever happening. Many of the things I've tried to process have nothing to do with you, but I have my reasons of why I suspect you'd disagree. On the flipside, many of the things I've tried to process are the same things you should be processing too, but you shut down and tune out before conversations can even be had... sometimes you just don't even show up. And, I get it. I get it because I feel the same hurt as you, but have you every stuck around long enough to really know that? I honestly can't remember. If you ever go through life like I magically appeared in it, please stop. And if you go on through life feeling threatened by other relationships, please stop. And if you ever feel like you have had too much and just can't bring yourself to visit me today because the "goodbye" part is just too much, please stop. Because...in the end...what about me? And why, as the adopted child, is that such a selfish distasteful thing to say? Is it because I'm no longer a child making such a request? Is it not as innocent, tolerable or acceptable because I am now an adult? Everyone says the child comes first. I wish someone would let me know when to expect that. Is there a date coming up? Will it be in this lifetime? I'm trying to make the best of things while hurting and struggling and even as I go through happiness at the same time. Out of everyone in the room, when can I finally be the child I keep hearing everyone reference? When can I finally be held because I'm not okay instead of feeling this heavy burden of frantically holding everyone else together? When I was small, did you really not see how I was struggling? Was it ignorance? Or did you think you'll get to it eventually that by the time I grew up, you simply forgot? Or maybe you did your part and you don't owe me anymore than that? Am I wrong to feel it is my right to have closure? I want to know. But, I know I'll never ask you. I wish I could tell you full truths--and, I know it's my choice to not do so. But, let's be honest-- there would be consequences if I put it all out there. I wish I didn't have to stay anonymous because all I want and very much need-- and have for far too long-- is you...being there for me in the way I've always so desperately needed.
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