It has almost been 2 years since my daughter has finally been back in my life, I anxiously waited 21 years for our reunion. During that time I made, what I now realize as unrealistic, dreams of what I hoped our reunion would be.
Back then, they didn’t have open adoptions. I got a letter from both my adoptive parents, and my daughter, once a year on her birthday. Eventually we were allowed to send pictures. I didn’t know where they lived, other than somewhere in my state.
It’s almost harder now that she is somewhat in my life. I struggle, desperate to find my place in her life. Longing for a close relationship. But I truly am not needed. Her adoptive Mom did such a great job, that my daughter isn’t looking for another Mom. I feel that I am the only one who wants a relationship. It is nothing like I hoped it would be. I assumed for so many years that she would want me as much as I wanted her.
I feel so much anger towards myself for placing her for adoption. I feel angry that not one person in my life talked to me about how I could keep her.
My daughter is more attached to her birth father, who abandoned me when I got pregnant. I almost regret helping her find him. That sounds so selfish, I wish I was selfish all those years ago and kept my baby girl.
I love my adoptive parents very much, but it’s killing me emotionally as I try to find my place in her life. It’s like I have lost her twice. Once 22 years ago, and now. I wish I could turn back time.
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